“Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.” – The Buddha
I have a reputation for being relatively laid back. Given a confrontation, I’d rather walk than talk, lest strong words begin to harm. With constant practice, I go through great lengths to set an example and live by the words I believe in.
And then there are those times when the armor breaks and all of that peace goes out of the window.
These past couple of weeks have been pretty trying on my patience. Given the circumstances, I would have viewed anger as a justified response, in keeping with my previous mental and social norms. However, despite that instinctual pull, I was happy to have been at ease, rationalizing some greater truth behind it all.
Just as the sun rises and falls, so do the waves of life – so to speak.
But…(you knew this was coming)
There was one recent instance where I’d had it. No more self-restraint. Enough was enough and I was going to let the world know. Ironically, I’d read the above quote the day before my tirade. At some point throughout my rage, I’d even remembered it, and hurriedly discarded it – knowing it to be the truth I didn’t want to hear.
All it took was one last passive-aggressive comment to push me over the edge. Isn’t it amazing how such seemingly small things become grand enough for us to lose ourselves? I say seemingly because according to many traditions, the very world we live on was created and/or punctuated on the power of words. Still, it pays to have pretty thick skin and not sweat the “small” stuff. Problem is, I’d run out of the patience to deal with it.
After holding onto the grudge for close to two hours I’d attempted to cool down at home. In this process I’d unknowingly fallen asleep.
I now realize the weight of anger – it takes a lot of energy to maintain such an intense flame.
About three hours later, I’d awaken to this overwhelming feeling of exhaustion. Despite my sleeping, I’d somehow maintained the flame of my anger, even in sleep. Moreover, the original cause and target of my irritation seemed less relevant. Yet, the flames of fury were as strong as ever, seeming to have grown unconsciously. At this point, I’d decided to get some hands-on self-practice in, both for relaxation and curious investigation.
The beginning of the session was “normal” enough – familiar sensations in the hands and chest. Yet, as I began to move downward, toward the Hara (belly center), I began to feel a shift in my mental processes. The mental-chatter of resentment became more and more symbolic and abstract followed by very subtle visualizations. Knowing these images had meaning, I maintained my curiosity and practice and continued on.
Despite the beginnings of a grand tale, this experience ended pretty abruptly, though not necessarily anti-climatic. Though a simple statement, I’d stumbled across an inner realization of the greater truth:
“You are free to choose anger in here”
At that moment, I was presented with a deeper meaning behind Usui’s first principle – “Do not anger.” Too often in the haze of irritation, we become our own puppet masters, choosing to act out in accordance to what we deem as an appropriate response to a stressful situation. With the realization of my choice at that moment, I decided to heed the wisdom and “not choose anger.”
With that more or less settled, I noticed I still had my body to deal with. I felt tired, slow, and heavy. That which we call anger has the density of lead and the stench of a skunk. If given the chance, anger weighs you down, holds on to you, is hard to remove, and permeates around you toward others. It drains one of vitality, charging a high price of occupancy. With anger, the mind is clouded and the entire flow of the body is erratic at best.
Thankfully, my hands are/were able to address this matter directly and efficiently. Moving on from position to position, I begin to relax and eventually fall asleep before even “completing” the process. I awoke the next day refreshed, but not without the marks of understanding. For this, I show gratitude and a wish to share it with you all. May we all continue to learn, progress, and grow!